IS EUROPE?
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College life is such a busy one, what with learning the Maxixe,
attending public executions, and walking our cheetahs, that perforce we
find ourselves sometimes neglecting our studies. Therefore this
column, normally a vehicle for innocent tomfoolery, will occasionally
forgo levity to offer a quick survey course in one of the learned
disciplines. Today, for an opener, we will discuss Modern
European History.
Strictly defined, Modern European History covers the history of
Europe from January 1, 1964, to the present. However, in order to
provide employment for more teachers, the course has been moved back to
the Age of Pericles, or the Renaissance, as it is better known as.
The single most important fact to remember about Modern European
History is the emergence of Prussia. As we all know, Pressia was
originally called Russia. The “P” was purchased from Persia in
1874 for $24 and Manhattan Island. This later became known as Guy
Fawkes Day.
Persia without a “P” was of course called Ersia. This so
embarrassed the natives that they changed the name of the country to
Iran. This led to a rash of name changing. Mesopotamia
became Iraq, Schleswig-Holstein became Saxe-Coburg, Bosnia-Herzegovina
became Cleveland. There was even talk about changing the name of
stable old England, but it was forgotten when the little princes
escaped from the Tower and invented James Watt. This later became
known as the Missouri Compromise.
Meanwhile Johann Guttenberg was quietly inventing the printing
press, for which we may all be grateful, believe you me. Why
grateful? I’ll tell you why: Because without Gutenberg’s
invention you would not have this magazine to read and you might never
learn that Personna Stainless Steel Razor Blades are now available in
two varieties—the regular double-edge blade we have all come to know
and love, and the new Personna Injector
Blade. Users of injector razors have grown morose in recent
years, even sullen, and who can blame them?
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How
would you feel if
you were denied the speed and comfort and durability and truth and
beauty of Personna Stainless Steel shaving? Not very jolly, I’ll
wager! But injector shavers may now rejoice—indeed all shaver may–for
whether you remove your wiskers regularly or injectorly, there is a
Personna blade for you—a Personna Stainless Steel Blade which will give
you more luxury shaves than Beep-Beep or any other brand you might
name. If by chance you don’t agree, the makers of Personna will
gladly buy you a pack of any brand you think is better.
Yes, friends, we may all be grateful to Johann Guttenberg for
inventing the means to spread this great news about Personna. The
next time you’re in Frankfurt-am-Main, why don’t you drop in and say
thanks to Mr. Gutenberg? He is elderly—408 years last
birthday—but still quite active in his laboratory. Only last week
he invented the German short-haired pointer.
But I digress. Returning to Modern European History, let
us now examine that ever-popular favorite, France.
France, as we all know, is divided into  several
Departments. There is the Police Department, the Fire Department,
the Gas and Water Department, and the Bureau of Weights and
Measures. There is also Madame Pompadour, but that is a dirty
story and is taught only to graduate students.
Finally we take up Italy—the newest European nation. Italy
did not become a unified state until 1848 when Garibaldi, Cavour, and
Victor Emmanuel threw three coins in the Trevi Fountain. This
lovely gesture so enchanted all of Europe that Metternich traded Parma
to Talleyrand for Mad Ludwig of Bavaria. Then everybody waltzed
till dawn and then, tired but happy, they started the Thirty Years
War. This latter became known as Pitt the Younger.
Space does not permit me to tell you any more about Modern
European History. Aren’t you
glad?
© 1965, Max Shulman
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And
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PRAYBOY AFTER HOURS . . .
a
record out now entitled The Sex
Life Of The Primate. It has a sub-heading of, And Other Bits Of Gossip, which
seems highly superfluous. It was created, written and directed by
Shelly Berman, who is also heard in it. The writer knows nothing
else about it, but actually, what else is there to know?
•
A
recent release on the Oblivion label is Sammy Meets John and Goes For A Walk With
Frank, featuring Sammy Klingsdorf. on the Jew's harp, John
Lakonovich on the Baby Grand, and Frank Finsterwald on the
xylophone. Frank, John, and Sammy swing out with those old
favorites, I Saw The Great Pumpkin
Kissing Grandma, You Took My
Love And Sent It Out To The Drycleaners, Hair Grease On My
Pillow, Acne Sure Can Get A
Fellow Down, that lovely ballad, I Sent You
Out For A Bottle Of Cream And You Came Back With Someone New,
and many,
many more.
For all you frank, John, and Sammy
fans, at his new platter is a must.
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The
newest of the new. Screaming
Jay and the Horrendous Grundoons
in Concert. What more can we say?
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A
recent recording session at the Overwhelming Studio has
produced this classic of modern, impressionistic, non-conforming,
surrealistic, avant- garde, in-the-know music. Its label is Music
To Cook Broccoli By, and features three-quarters of an hour of
recorded
bubbling water interspersed with periods of traumatic silence.
Though this record has not
received the acclaim that it deserves; we
feel that within a month or so, once all the local record dealers have
it in stock, it will be number one all across the nation.
What hath Science wrought!
MOVIES
Ingrid
Dirgeman has done it again. After his much acclaimed film, Naked
Watermelons, it was doubted whether or not he could ever bring
forth
anything that would be its equal. Yet, forshame, critics and
cynics, he has risen to the challenge. In his newest movie, Love
In The Avocado Patch, he brings together two of filmland's
greatest,
Oscar Peabody, never to be forgotten as Snurdly in How Tall My
Sunflowers?, and Carol Luscious, last
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