THE     PRAYBOY ADVISOR

I have this problem which I am sure must be somewhat unique.  I am in love with this beautiful girl who is very wealthy and owns her own pent­ house apartment and Aston-Martin.  She is very much in love with me and wants to marry as soon as possible.  There is only one slight difficulty, she always insists on paying for every­ thing.  Being relatively poor and struggling, I feel personally insulted.  I feel the man should take care of the financial matters.  When I accept her money I feel as if I've lost my principles and become a social parasite.  Can you help me?-B. S., Topeka, Kansas.

Why should we?

My friend says that it is in poor taste to wear an orange tie with my green double-breasted suit when I go to the city dump to shoot rats.  I think it is all right.  What do you say? -R. T., Bismark, N. D.

I think you are in poor taste yourself, so it really doesn't make any difference.

I have a problem which has been bothering me for some time now. I am 5' 3" and my girl friend is 6' 6".  People talk and scoff at us anywhere we go and it's getting very upsetting.  What do you suggest?-A. S., Minneapolis.

Don't go anywhere.

Since I have been away from home at school I haven't had one date (I never had any before I left home, either).  I'm a girl of 20 with average intelligence.  I'm not really too good looking; I have red hair, wear braces on my teeth; have crossed-eyes, freckles and am slightly fat, but all my girl friends say that I have a good personality.  What should I do?-U. G., L.A.

At least you won't have to work on your personality.

I am a rising young executive maintaining an apartment in Brooklyn and a hotel suite in Peoria.  If I date a girl more than once, I dislike bringing her to the same place for the usual nightcap, but I find that the travel expenses for us both are a bit too much for me to carry.  How can I meet my expenses and still continue changing the atmosphere?-V.I.P., Hoboken, New Jersey.

your date to go Dutch treat on a round-trip ticket for you both, the only feasible thing for you to do is to rent a trailer and park it at indiscriminate places for each date.

My girl friend and I got into an argument on our last date over which is the correct way to turn the cork when opening a bottle of champagne.  Would you shed some light on the subject?-A. A., Stuttgart, Germany.

It's really quite simple.  If the sun is in the eastern part of the sky and you have all your windows open, vigorous turns to the left are acceptable.  However, should your television be on and it's 9:15 pm in Bogata, Colombia, then slow, pulsating turns to the right are in style. Finally, should this be your fifth or better bottle of bubbles, then who cares?  Break the neck on the nearest hard object and guzzle.

I recently attended a reunion of Local 715, Brotherhood of Steam Fitters and Sheet Rollers.  I came attired in my blue, double-breasted, light-weight, and my friend came in his salt and pepper, all purpose cottons.  Who was correct?-]. P. Q., de Bronx.

Are you kidding?

What is the world's most expensive apertif? - S. 0. D., Rickety­Rocker, Kentucky.

This was a real rough one, but after long hours of research it was found that the Olikuwi Tribe of pygmies in northern Antarctica makes a noxious liquid out of the toenail lint of their deceased ancestors.  What could be more priceless, right?

I have been dating a girl for over ten years now, and although I feel that we have come to know each other well enough, I still am a bit reticent over popping the big question.  Do you feel that I should ask her before it is too late, or should we continue finding out new and different things about each other before we make a final decision?  - V. D. K., Walia Walia, Washington.

If this turns up nothing, take the final step, see her psychoanalyst.  If he turns up nothing, then go ahead and marry her; that's if you're both not dead by then.

I've been seriously thinking of marrying a sweet, young thing who works right near the accounting office in which I work.  Last week I brought her home to mother, and ever sice I've been getting canned beans for all my meals at home.  What do you think the problem is? -F. P. Q., Ragweed, North Dakota. .

We suggest that either one of two things has gone wrong.  Either your Mother hasn't had a chance to get out to the store recently, or, your girl friend has some inherent characteristic which prevents your Mother from accepting her.  If your Mother finally makes it to the store and you still are served beans, we suggest you give up your girl and find another, one that Mom would like.

A couple has just moved in next door to me, and they own a big, black cat, whose sex I believe to be male.  For a week or so after they arrived, Gertrude, my cat, was out until all hours.  Consequently, I have kept her indoors, not wishing to have her turn herself into a cat of the streets.  However, all she does all day is run from room to room and emit loud cries.  What do you think is the matter? ­G. G. T., Hollywood, California.

Gertrude may have one of two things amiss with her. One, she may resent your infringement on her personal life and is thus showing her displeasure.  Two, she may just have to answer nature's call.  Either way, we feel that you should face up to the facts and let Gertrude live her own life, difficult though it may be.

All questions--from national mores, philosophy, dating, marriage, love, life, religion, the meaning of it all, the price of bagels in Egypt, to any other question the normal neurotic might pose--will be personally answered with an air of superiority if the writer includes a self-addressed, stamped envelope and his complete medical history.  Send all letters to the Prayboy Advisor, Cellblock 14, Cell 210, San Quentin Prison, California.