To truly appreciate my predicament, you have to understand the history of golf. Surprisingly, golf traces its roots all the way back to prehistoric times, when it was one of the few words primitive man could pronounce. He would wake up on a Saturday morning, and Mrs. Og Caveman would have already assembled a list of things for him to accomplish so lengthy that it guaranteed he'd be busy until the Ice Age. With a grunt, Og would inform her that he would love to help, but he'd already promised to join Gog from down the street in a round of golf.

Even back then, golf had pretty much the same rules as now. Attempt to propel an incredibly small object, like a ball, using an incredibly useless object, like a club, and then lie about your score. So Og and Gog spent the day wandering around the forest, randomly hitting things with their clubs. When Og came home, his wife asked how he did, and he said, with a straight face, "I shot a 92."

"Is that good," she asked.

"Pretty good, but I need some practice. We're going to play again tomorrow."

And so the sport of golf continued in this fashion up to the present day, with only slight modifications to improve the sport. These include the golf cart, the six pack, and the cooler. Oh, yeah, and better clubs.

There are people who spend more money on golf than on their children's education. These people are known as golfers, and the only thing more annoying than knowing them is playing with them. Yesterday, my friend Josh invited me to join him and two other guys for a round of golf. Due to a medical condition known as temporary stupidity, I agreed.

Now, I'm not the worst golfer in the world, but if you see him tell him I'm catching up. So I spent the day walking from green to green, occasionally dropping my ball and taking a few practice swings at it. I have discovered that I can drive the ball farther if I set the club down for a moment, widen my stance, and throw it bare-handed. The two gentlemen Josh and I played with were very understanding, saying things like, "The most important thing is to relax and have fun."

I think they should create a Bowling-Golfing Professional Tour for people like me. We could bowl a game, then shoot 18 holes, and then swap the scores. And if you know anything about bowling, this tells you I'm not good at it either. But it beats sweeping out the cave. Gog and I tee off tomorrow at 10.