My reason for starting my own web page bears a striking resemblance to my favorite rationale for anything as a child -- everyone else is doing it. I mean, literally hundreds of thousands of people have used the wonders of the Internet to post their opinion on everything. The fact that no one on earth particularly cares what someone four time zones away thinks is irrelevant. We’ve got to have our fifteen minutes of fame, and between you and me, I’m not real good at soup label paintings. So, I turned to the web. Unfortunately, it’s a slow process.

Internet home pages are programmed in a computer language called HTML, which stands for Highly Technical Manipulative Language. This is similar to the language used by mechanics, plumbers, and people who like to create names for imaginary problems and charge you money to fix them. HTML was most likely developed as a fraternity prank. The problem is, computer geeks loved it and it become an industry standard for fame-seeking web page designers everywhere. The only problem is, it’s a tad tedious.

Tedious doesn’t quite cut it; it’s frustrating as hell. Suppose, for example, you wanted to have a large italic “B” appear in the middle of your home page. But wait, it’s not that simple. The following command must be used.

[P][CENTER][FONT SIZE=6][B][I]B[/I][/B][/FONT][/CENTER][/P]

At this rate, a normal person who is proficient at HTML code can finish a small home page in only. . . 10 years. So, you begin to see why I’m running a little late with this column.