[Hickory Daily Record, 12/21/92] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone. Instead, he grabbed a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. Several things stick out in my mind about this item. First, the name of the paper needs changing. True, it has nothing to do with the story, but how can one take a news item seriously that comes from something called the Hickory Daily Record? Next, the cute phrase about accidentally shooting himself to death. That it was accidental seems obvious to me. Lastly, what kind of idiot keeps a .38 Special next to his bed? I realize those Jehovah's Witnesses are pesky, but they usually don't wake you up at night.

The award goes to the city of Chico, California. The Chico City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone who detonates one within city limits. Of course, there is no problem with detonating one right outside of city limits. City limits or no, don't you think $500 is a slap on the wrist for nuclear holocaust? I think it should be at least six months of community service and a $1000 fine. We've got to make an example of all those nuclear weapon owners who think they're above the law. Or maybe we could just ban stupid people.