God and the Infantry
From the Gospel according to Saint Miles, Ground Pounder
In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and
the Infantry.
And God looked upon the Infantry, saw that it was good, and
said unto them "Thou art my chosen children. Take thou dominion over the
Earth; over the fish of the Sea, the birds of the Air, and all of the Key
Terrain." And as a mark of His favor the Lord placed in the hands of the
Infantry the sacred relics: the Apostolic Anti-Armor Weapon, the Catholic Claymore,
and the Marian Machine Gun. Likewise gaveth
the Lord unto the Infantry the Rucksack of Repentance, the Radio of Redemption,
the Rifle of Rectitude. Lastly, unto the Infantry, and
most divine of all, the Lord gaveth the Holy Hand
Grenade.
For the Infantry's sustenance the Lord declared "Four
shall be thy food groups: Coffee, Tobacco, C-Rats, and Alcohol. Shun all other
unclean food and drink."
And the Infantry dwelt in the land therein.
And time passed, and the Infantry cried out unto their God
saying "Lord, help us, for we are weary."
And God smiled upon the Infantry, for they were blessed.
Then the Lord took the fattest and laziest of the Infantry and set them upon
beasts of burden. And these He called Cavalry. And as the Cavalry became fatter,
lazier and heavier still they were known as Armor, or DAT's for short. And the Lord looked down upon the Armor
and saw that it was mediocre.
The Lord then said "Oh, well. Thou canst not win them
all. Let them lead in case of landmines." To the DAT's
the Lord said "Quiche shall be thy food, and bottled water thy drink.
Touch not the sacred chow of the Infantry."
And the Infantry and the Armor dwelt in the land therein.
And time passed and the Infantry cried out again unto their
Lord saying "Lord help us, for we are weary."
And God smiled again upon the Infantry, for they were his
chosen.
Then God took those of the Armor with butts like baseplates and breath like sulfur and tiny, tiny pee-pees
and these He made Artillery. But God saw that the Artillery, too, was mediocre
and said unto Himself "Oh well, garbage in; garbage out."
Unto the Artillery He said "The big guns shall atone in
part for thy diminutive other stature. Tryst thou not to hurt thyself."
To the Infantry the Lord said "When the night is
darkest these shall light the way...more or less. When the approach is most
open these shall, occasionally - with luck, confound the enemy's sight. When
thou callest for fire support these shall -
eventually - provide it with high explosive, cluster munitions and, best of
all, nukes." Though the Lord cautioned the Infantry to
never, never, never trust Tacfire or any other
electronic computer in the hands of the Artillery. And the Infantry, the
Armor, and the Artillery dwelt in the land therein. Then the Artillery created
the Air Defense Artillery; but quickly asked forgiveness.
And time passed and the Infantry called out yet again unto
their God, saying "Lord help us, for we are weary."
Again the Lord looked with favor upon the Infantry. He took
those of the Armor, Artillery and Air Defense Artillery who most liked to play
in the mud and these he made Combat Engineers, and those who dwelt in darkness
and spoke in riddles and these he made Military Intelligence, and those with
thieving hearts and these He made Quartermasters, and of those who neither
sowed nor reaped and were most fond of hammering square pegs into round holes
He made Adjutants General. Of those who liked to tinker with good equipment
until it broke He made the Ordnance Corps. Of those whose penchant was poison
He made Cooks. Of those who ran around in circles He made the Transportation
Corps. Of the least articulate He made Signalers. Of the mindlessly doctrinaire
and arrogant He - reluctantly - created Military Police and Inspectors General
(though the Lord admitted, to Himself, that He was probably only providing
employment opportunities to Satan's minions). Of ! those who dealt in controlled substances He made the Medics
and of those whose minds had been destroyed by the same made He the Chemical
Corps. Yea, the Lord of All filled up the MTOE.
And the Infantry, and the others, dwelt in the land therein.
Time passed, but yet, again, the Infantry cried out unto
their God, saying "Lord, help us, for we are weary.
And the Heavens darkened, and the clouds gathered. The
lightning's spake and the Infantry abased themselves
before their God, for they were sore afraid.
And the Lord spoke with anger, asking "How canst thou
yet be weary? Have I not made the Armor and the Artillery to support thee? Have
I not made of the detritus of the earth Quartermasters and Adjutants and
Signalers and Transporters and a host of others to assist thee? Verily, have I
not even made Military Intelligence, although it were
a contradiction in terms?"
Humbly the Infantry abased themselves again before their
God, crying "Lord, it is of these that we are weary."
Amen, Amen