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Is your cadet considering leaving? JOIN GRAY NET Here are a few thoughts for parents who have cadets wanting to leave:
Our thoughts and prayers are with you. We've been there on the roller coaster and the drops are no fun. At our very first Parents' club meeting the father of a recent graduate reminded all the plebe parents that the mission of West Point is to produce career Army officers, and it's NOT a failure for a cadet to decide it's not what they want to do. Sometimes our pride as parents gets mixed up with the West Point experience and we're afraid it will reflect on us if they leave. I urge you to guard against that temptation. Just being there in the first place makes your cadet a success. He or she will do well whatever they decide.
Mike Havey gave practical advice more eloquently than I can, but I second his advice. Our cadet had a tough time deciding if West Point was for him both his plebe and yearling year. Throughout we told him that the decision was his and his alone - BUT, while leaving was acceptable, quitting was NOT. There are appropriate times to make a rational decision to leave West Point including the end of semesters or the end of the year. We constantly challenged him not to quit in the middle of the term. At times we reminded him that there was no where for him to go in the middle of a semester except to come home and get a job flipping burgers. At the end of a semester or the year he could transfer to another school and move forward, but in the middle of a semester all he could do was mark time until he got into another college. For our cadet it worked. He decided to stay and seems very content and successful in his Cow year.
For our last newsletter, I had asked the uppreclass cadets about the time during and after Christmas, Below is the question that was posed to them and their responses, perhaps some of this will help. (please note the cadet's who responded were not named in the original article, nor will they be identified here)
Upperclassmen Advise
Traditionally, one of the very emotional departures for the plebe cadets is the one after the Christmas holidays. They will spend their longest time to date with family and friends, they will have the opportunity to rekindle their friendships with peers who are attending the traditional public or private universities, and subsequently they may have doubts about the decisions they have made thus far.
Upperclass cadets were asked what advice or comments they could share with our plebe parents on how to make this holiday a less difficult time. Due to the nature of this question, I will not quote my sources, but only indicate class year.
A cow's memories:
Dear Parents and Plebes,
Plebes, the return to West Point after Christmas vacation is naturally very hard. You just had a few weeks where you could be a man or a woman again. Now you must come back to a place that makes all the acids in your stomach churn and your blood pressure rise. This feeling never ends no matter how long you are here, at least it hasn't for me and I have been here three years. But all of this is natural, the same thoughts you had during Beast of wanting to quit or that this place isn't for you will be present, but will subside when you think about why you came here and what this place gives you. As far as peers from high school and stuff, well you will find that most of the ones that you thought were going to do well because they excelled in high school are usually the ones working at the local quicky mart. Why? Well, when they got there and faced the harsh realities of the real world and they were not as strong as you. That is why they are not here. Yeah that is a little bit pretentious, but in a lot of ways it is true. Don't be so hard on your friends. They will seem immature to you and you will have trouble blending in with them, just have fun and don't overwhelm them with West Point stories unless they persist.
Parents, as far as ways to make it easier to say goodbye after the Christmas break, well sorry there is no real effective method. You might have just seen them for PPW and been with them for a few weeks, but their isolation from you is about to return. It is going to be a bit easier for you all these days because we all have phones, but phone conversations usually don't cut it. Just spoil your sons and daughters as much as you can when they get home and understand that they just finished some of the hardest times they have ever experienced. After TEE's [editor's note: Term End Exams] some people have been known to not be able to speak correctly because their verbal language skills have been pushed in the back of their minds to store more data for a test. So if your son or daughter does not seem like their old chipper self, well it is because they are tired and need to "veg" for a while or whatever it is that they do to relax.
Hope some of these comments help all of you out. This might help prevent conflict between all of you. My parents were unhappy with me when I got back as a plebe and was not bursting with elation. It took a little while to explain my situation to them.
Good luck to all, and have fun with this, it is all what you make of it, and set your priorities, sometimes academics is not the most important thing, your sanity and personal growth is.
A yearling advises:
While it is true that many people do rekindle friendships when they go home, not all have a hard time leaving. Some cadets start to actually get bored being home for such along time and wish to go back, simply because now they are better adjusted for academy life. One thing that parents can do is get their cadet some reason to be interested in getting back to the academy is giving their cadet a new toy which will augment their computer. Especially right after Christmas where according to this years policy is the first time they can have speakers on their computers or stereos in their rooms. It also helps for the plebes to know that generally Military intercession is a lot more fun than the academic year, very little is truly accomplished and there is a lot of extra time not usually had at the academy to get to know your classmates better and do things around the point.
A firstie responds:
- My thoughts on the issue amount to the following advice:
- It WILL get better, both leaving home and living at West Point get a little easier the longer you do it.
- I fondly remember coming back and seeing my close company friends and sharing stories from the break.
- Recognition and Spring Break are a much closer and more foreseeable goal, the days are getting shorter!
- There will be plenty of home Army Basketball games to attend (to lighten the spirits).
- There will be plenty of home Army Basketball games to attend (to lighten the spirits).
Another cow responded:
As far as this plebe situation goes over christmas break, you either want to be an army officer or you don't. Don't pressure them in any way. Let them relax and get rest, because every cadet here is extremely tired from the long semester. I am a cow and my parents still don't understand the rigorous schedule that we as cadets face. If they want to quit, talk to them and find out if they really want to be in the army. I hate to say it, but this is a profession and you have to like what you do. I don't encourage any plebe to quit during christmas. I encourage them to want until the summer for buckner training. That is were they will get a full taste of whether they will like their future profession.
I understand perfectly well what you are going through as parents. My son is a cow now and seriously considered quitting his plebe year. I was a basket case only because he had wanted West Point for so long, fought academically and every way to get there, and now wanted to leave. There were a couple of mild hazing incidents that took him downward. I could only listen and wait it out. However, I needed my own clarity of thought. Was I wanting him to stay for my sake? Was he really miserable? Was this a temporary condition? I had a lot of anxiety myself. So did my husband who saw things differently.
I sought counsel. First, I broke a "rule" or two. In confidence, I discussed the issue with my son's TAC. I know, it's supposed to be a no-no, but, honestly, he was amazingly supportive and without bias discussed how to best handle my feelings as well as how the official line at West Point would handle it. He assured me that my son would receive the counseling he needed to sort out the issues. He spoke as a father and as a military officer. He gave me positive feedback and at least some sense of direction. I can't answer for all TAC's or parents. But I'm glad I broke that rule.
Secondly, when my son called, I allowed him to talk out his feelings; sometimes what he told me was only part of the story. He wouldn't tell me all the pressure he was under. I also reminded him of all the qualities he possessed that got him into West Point in the first place. "You deserve to be there," but I also told him that only he could make the ultimate decision. I urged him to speak to the various counselors FIRST. We did pressure him to do that so that both of us could accept that he had explored all the avenues before making a final decision. We also insisted that he have an alternate college plan and funding (he would have to borrow).
Once he saw that the alternatives were not very appetizing either, he began to commit to a week or two. . .and then that stretched into the first semester.
He had wonderfully supportive Yuk, squad and company leader who counseled him prviately. Ultimately, however, he did speak to the TAC (the one I had spoken to privately). Bless that TAC, too, because he spent considerable time discussing issues with my son, but allowing him the dignity of charting his own course.
Those days seem a long time ago, but the process was important for my son. The other advice from older cadets is still wise: Wait until you have completed one year so that your credits can transfer; to leave prior to the one year means starting over, literally. All the work/gains thus far will have evaporated. After the year, your head is still up and you've charted your own course without having given him.
All I spoke to at that critical time understood that all cadets are meant for West Point, but it's the a way you leave that makes the difference.
My son has been nominated/elected Soldier of the Quarter more than once or twice. He has found his niche and is able to laugh about his early anxiety that plebe year.
1. The first obvious answer is to suggest that no decision be made right now. The Plebe has survived the hardest part of WP and is already into a second semester and will soon be recognized so it makes sense to at least taste post recognition life at WP.
2. There are few Cadets that have not contemplated quitting at one time or another.
3. Wait until the end of the semester.
There was a particularly rough time that our cadet was going through and I called every friend and relative that we knew had a relationship with our cadet and asked them to send a card or letter letting them know how much they were cared for and thought about.You don't need to let on any more than the cadet needs some uplifting and love.Our cadet was amazed that all these people were thinking of them and it did help.Our cadet felt that they were not as alone as they had thought.Hope that this helps.
Every situation and cadet is different so what might be of help to one may not be appropriate for another. Luckily, our son did not go through the same thing, although I know other cadets that did. My advice to them was to at least get through recognition, after which they are treated with more respect. Our son felt like a huge burden was lifted after that time. If your son decides after that time that he still wants to leave, at least he will have completed an entire year of college, at no cost, and most if not all of the credits are transferable. Sadly, some cadets REALLY do not want to be there are are forced to stick it out -- those are the cadets that take extreme measures to not go back - so don't push too much.
My advice is to listen to your cadet. Ask him to write on a piece of paper all the positive things (pros) about West Point and all the negative things (cons). Tell him to write as many things as he can, both big and small. Go through the list with him, without judgment on your part. Capitalize on and reinforce the pros, and then discuss each of the cons. Are some of the cons going to improve (with recognition, with maturity, with more experience)? Can he actively improve some of the cons or make them go away? How important or relevant are the cons? Then perhaps prioritize the list. Hopefully you then will have a narrowed down list with some items he cannot not change and must accept (and if he cannot, maybe it is better that he leave) and he should have a list of cons that really are not big deals and some he can make go away.
Again, you can only help him verbalize what he is thinking, help him put everything in perspective, and help him balance the good and bad. The desire to stay at West Point must come from him. You can only make sure that he thinks it all the way through, evaluates each item that bothers him and what he likes about West Point, so that he does not later regret any decision he makes.
"Never, ever make a big decision when you are down physically, mentally, or emotionally. Wait at least until you feel good, and then make the decision. It will be more likely then to be the right choice." Hope this helps and whatever the decision, just let him know you will support and love him and good luck to you all.
Feel free to send the following to your cadet: Are you thinking of leaving?
TO: Any Plebe considering leaving West Point at this time
Consider carefully *why* you are leaving:
1. Is it because you have seen the Army, some elements of its life and people, and decided that it is not the *life* you want?
2. Is it because you have seen the inside of West Point, the walls, the System, the "atmosphere," and decided that that is not the *college* you want?
3. Is it because you have seen the men and women who are the Upper Classes, and decided they are not the *associations* you want?
4. Is it because life is miserable, you are miserable, West Point is miserable, the people are miserable, the Yearlings (as apart from people) are miserable, the snow is miserable, the classes are miserable, reveille is miserable, marching is miserable, training is miserable, the sky is miserable.....?
Been there.
Done that.
So has everyone else who has gone before you.
OK. Now listen up. You may quit for any of the reasons 1-3 if you have answered them honestly and dispassionately; if you have *really* looked at what you want in life,... and the Army, its school, and its people are not for you. Know that *most* people who finally leave West Point see these as good and valid reasons. They are. ... And no one will ever think any less of you if you decide to make a success in a different direction of life. That's part of growing up. Part of becoming an adult.
But Number 4 isn't a good reason. At least not an adult reason. At least not yet.
NO ONE has ever gone through West Point without serious thoughts of quitting. That's what the first year is for. If you WEREN'T thinking of resigning, the Academy has at least partially failed in testing your hopes, your dreams, your upbringing, ...you. You are in a dark fog now, a fog known by every other cadet--Plebe and upper-class alike, both present and prior classes, every graduate and non-graduate. It is after Christmas, Christmas Leave, and before Spring. It is Gloom Period.
Don't even think of a rational decision now. You're more than halfway to Recognition, to Yearling status, to having *Beat Them At Their Own Game.*
What you're *not,* is finished with... - An academic year that you can transfer - Building the ability to hold your head up to say "I finished everything they could throw at me" - The test of your life to date
You STAY until the end of the year. You stay four months. You stay through Spring, and then May.
Then your options are anything you want. Do anything any earlier and you will always wonder "....What if?" And ask yourself, "If only...." And you will have wasted the most valuable year of your life. For you will have quit in the middle of the Lesson, ...the middle of finding out who you are.
What you should never NEVER do, however,...is stay for your family,...your Mother, Father, brothers, sisters,...uncles, grandparents, ...or anyone else who thinks they have the right to ask you to remain at West Point.
No one has that right. That right, that choice, that decision is yours alone.
West Point is only for those who live the life, walk the walk, dream the dream. And sometimes that takes time.
Take that time.
Never quit until you've beat the system.
Then your life's your own, and no one can ever take it from you.
Mike Havey`68
From Craig Mitchell, X-'62
An ex-cadet in the class of 1962, found in academics, currently a parent of a '04 cadet, I want to share with other parents some thoughts on leaving West Point. These are thoughts about what I missed by not staying and what I endured after leaving.
From grade 2 to grade 12, I shared the same classroom with a boyhood friend whose Dad was a grad who survived Bataan to be killed in the mistaken sinking of a Japanese POW ship by U.S. aircraft. His passion for WP and its motto duty, honor, country affected me from an early age and by grade 9 became my goal as well as his. We both gained competitive nominations from our congressman and reported to WP on the appointed day. During the train ride to WP we shared an oath that WP would have to throw us out because neither of us would ever quit. I suspect that many others made a similar oath that day and countless new cadets have done so since.
I was a good plebe, shy, a little short of 'spoony', never in trouble, never on the area. I attribute all that I am to the good Lord and my Beast squad leader Ty Wilson '60 and his roommate Bill Carpenter '60. Surrounded by truly great role models in company like Peter Stromberg, Charlie Tennant, Bob Anderson,
Al Nordgren, Paul Miles and many others I couldn't avoid being inspired to do well. Roommates Dan Buttolph and Dave Windom were my very best friends. I don't recall there ever being angry words among us. We cooperated fully against the system and the of course, the TAC.
At mid-yearling year I was found in calculus. I had been is the mid-sections throughout the term and really wasn't expecting to take the turnout exam. Seeing my name on the turnout list was like a direct hit in your foxhole.
It is the worst day of my life. Supe LTG 'Gar' Davidson had all 'turnouts' report to the east academic building for a briefing. Gar chewed on us for what seemed like an hour about our wanting out and purposely doing poorly so as not to quit. He assured every one of us that while we were 'hot stuff' in the present, we would be very sorry someday for our irresponsible behavior. I wanted to interrupt him to say "Sir, I'm sorry right now!" On my worst day, I never wanted to be anywhere else. On my worst day, I could look around at the gray stone and gray uniforms and thank God to be here. I dearly loved West Point.
February,1960 began a long dim period of regret. The ride home in the car with my Dad was silent. I had disappointed him only once before. I had the means to visit WP many times after leaving but it was too painful to even contemplate. A good friend and classmate in an adjacent company who was found at the same time had a different reaction. He couldn't bring himself to leave: living alone in Highland Falls for months after his separation.
I had missed an entire scrapbook of experiences, beginning with two and half more years with my classmates, MacArthur's address to the Corps, John Kennedy's graduation address to our class, the postgrad weddings, shipping off to Vietnam, doing all the things with them I had started to learn how to do, being part of the LGL, being there for the return of my fallen friends and classmates. I missed 7 reunions. Yes, I did eventually master calculus, earn an engineering degree, serve 4 1/2 years in the active reserve, marry a loving woman and raise four marvelous children. But I missed that which was dearest to me and can never, ever be replaced.
I learned to carry with me two WP's. One filled with memories of priceless friendships and endless challenges, the real one that I could no longer experience. The other WP I carried deep inside me. That WP consisted of the honor code, D-H-C, courage developed in those 19 of a possible 47 months, and a desire to serve my country in some meaningful way. The inner WP would be tested many times in the next 20+ years by a daughter born with a serious birth defect, my wife's illness, two career changes, the savage murder of a close friend. This WP carried me through the best and worst of times.
In 1982 while living in upstate NY I met the famous, now departed, Hal Walker of the NY Society. Hal worked tirelessly at helping grads find quality employment after leaving the service at a time when to even think such things was considered by some to be seditious. A graduates role was to keep WP's grads in WP's army. Hal helped me not just learn but master and perfect the skills to make a major career change. Hal saw me as a fellow west pointer, graduate or not, and gave of his time and experience because there was still a bond, absent graduation, absent officership, absent class ring, the common bond was love for WP.
While I didn't know it at the time, WP had provided the foundation for me to be a generalist. This is a distinct difference between WP and its sister academies that focus on producing specialists. Some see a generalist as someone who knows a little bit about many things and not enough about anything. Others point to the generalist as one who can explain the connection between two seemingly unrelated events. Hal taught me what I needed to know to make the switch from office technology to nuclear weapons and become senior program manager.
I was privileged to work directly with senior AF commanders and high level DOE managers on development, flight and underground testing and deployment of the MX reentry system and reentry vehicle. These RS and RV products house, tend, launch and deliver what is euphemistically referred to as the 'physics package' planting it directly on top its intended target at the end of very fast ride thru space. The objective was to make useless the best of the soviet ballistic missile fleet housed in its nuclear hardened silos hidden across the USSR. I needed everything I ever learned and more to succeed in this environment. The body of knowledge and experience came from many teachers and sources. The tenacity, the initiative, the ability to follow challenging directions, to take beneficial risks, to lead, develop and respect teammates all came from 19
months at WP. A graduate I respect once told me, 'You know, you really get it all in Beast and Plebe Year." I took as an enticing idea, but really too good to be true and therefore, not to be actionable intelligence.
I am ever thankful to then Cpt. John Costa, Instructor of Russian (later to become Col. Costa, Foreign Language Dept. Head) for teaching me just enough in three semesters to recognize and forever savor the essence of feverish como chatter that broke out and went up from the Soviet trawlers on our Pacific missile range when the first flight test of our new RV came in directly on top of the target after a 5,000 mile, 20 minute ride from Vandenberg. Loosely translated, I heard 'Holy crap, our silos are toast!' Similar transmissions followed the second test flight that removed any support for 'The Yanks got lucky on the first shot' theory.
In the end, a not quite 'spoony' plebe, deficient in calculus and unremarkable in most other things received the extraordinary pleasure of a significant event in the bringing to closure of our 40-year war. For this I thank the good Lord, WP and, of course, my Beast Barracks squad leader.
1982 also gave me the strength to return to WP. The AOG was beginning its outreach to the relatively small number of independent societies and to embark on a program of mutual understanding and support that has made unimaginable progress. A non-grad in the midst of the AOG was not the unobtrusive return to WP I was seeking. But there were needs to be met there. Our old 'knife and fork' society in Boston was being reborn at the hands of young, energetic, creative grads from the late '60's and '70's.
There were conferences and programmatic experiments to be implemented.
Parents as an organized support force hadn't been invented yet. The AOG was in transition from a retired flag officers' domain into a new coalition of movers and shakers from industry and commerce, and grads from almost every class year. And believe it or not, a lost sheep foundling of 20+ years was as welcome in the ranks as any grad. Why?, because of that bond and the belief that our academy needs all the wisdom, altruism, courageous leadership, and occasionally a few generalists to ensure its commitment to excellence and its very survival. The source of our leadership to win the nation's wars cannot fail its people. The outcome of such a failure is unthinkable.
WP has been extraordinarily good to me. It permitted me to become an associate member of the AOG and to serve on the alumni support committee. In 40+ years it has become a vastly different place. But beneath the surface the core values persist and are stronger than ever. The support systems for cadets at risk are effective and multi-layered. The qualities that made John Costa stand out among P's are now expected of everyone charged with instilling knowledge into the Corps. Dynamic, caring, available 24/7 sponsors have replaced the well meaning 'Plebe Pop'. Cadets are saturated with available choices by which they learn to make responsible decisions affecting their time management and development. My era learned to choose between studying something and polishing something.
The point of all this is to give one man's example of what just a small dose of the WP experience can manifest in a lifetime. The object is to suggest that no one should settle for the small dose when there is the opportunity for the complete treatment and a plethora of support to help one be successful. I believe that there is nowhere where one can go to experience a better training ground for one's own life and for the service to the lives of others than West Point. There are no better people than the incredibly capable instructors and mentors who give selflessly to every cadet who indicates that they have a gap to be filled. There is no more fulfilling job than to serve one's country in the United States Army, followed if circumstances permit in some other capacity in the defense of this great nation.
If you are considering leaving WP because you think the Army is not diverse enough to provide avenues of service in your specific area of interest, you are substantially misinformed.
If you think that the country does not adequately reward selfless service to the Nation, you do not understand the currency of reward that comes from doing the harder right for a grateful people.
If you think that some aspects of service life are too hard, you do not understand that it takes especially strong individuals of courage to protect those who cannot protect themselves.
If you think that the nation will be just fine without you, you play into the hands of our adversaries who celebrate every report of weakness in our resolve to defend our freedom.
If you think that defense of freedom is just another one of the many lifestyle choices facing young Americans today, spend 30 minutes with CNN.
In my humble opinion, young cadets who are seriously considering giving up on the building blocks of skills, experience and wisdom they are assembling within their individual personalities risk losing far more than they will ever find on another pathway. Yes, I made some use of the values that were given to me by dedicated people at the academy. But, I am fortunate to have received those opportunities. Having demonstrated the accomplishment and potential to be admitted, and having been confronted with manufactured adversity introduced solely to enable your own growth, to elect not to finish the journey so carefully planned and competitively secured may very well presage a continuing pattern of abandonment of mission that can be your inseparable companion to ones last days.
I make no argument for the partial WP experience. There is no doubt in my mind that more responsible and better decisions affecting my performance, resulting in the full 47-month dose would have been the infinitely more desirable outcome.
Beast and Buckner teach that you can exceed your limits to do far more than you ever imagined. Graduation opens the doors of opportunity and responsibility to exceed your limits as a way of life to the benefit of yourself, your loved ones, the sons and daughters entrusted to your stewardship, and the citizens of a grateful nation in a dangerous but promising world.
Be All You Can Be.
Craig S. Mitchell 'x62'
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